


Will you come home and stop this pain tonight.

by Abbypd



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, mentions of self harm and suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 19:08:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2036613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abbypd/pseuds/Abbypd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You look like you’re dying in that picture.”<br/>It was soft. So soft Calum wasn’t even sure Luke actually said it.<br/>“Maybe I am.” </p><p>Or where Calum falls into a depression despite being on top of the world.</p><p>Inspired by 'I miss you' by Blink-182</p>
            </blockquote>





	Will you come home and stop this pain tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> This may be triggering.  
> I wrote it in a few hours, so maybe I made a few mistakes.
> 
> I've been dealing with depression myself so I know what I'm talking about.  
> I know that a person can't just cure your depression but it can help. So... Yeah

Calum was locked up in his room, listening to a few sad Blink-182 songs. He was at home, back in Sydney with his parents. All the boys were somewhere else, Ashton was still in there house in Los Angeles, Michael was staying with Harry in London and Calum had no idea where Luke was. Calum thought about how they should’ve played a gig tonight.

The boys unexpected had a few days off after they had performed a few horrible gigs. The boys honestly didn’t know what it was, they just sounded off. There were already rumours about the band breaking up and Calum was scared that that was actually going to happen this time. Management wasn’t happy with them at all and Calum wasn’t sure if they could fix what was going wrong.

Because only he knew what was the problem in their band. It was him.

Calum had been feeling down lately, though he doesn’t know why. He hates himself for feeling like this; he doesn’t have any reason to feel like this. His three best friends and he are on top of the world at the moment but something wasn’t right.

It had started as a little crush but now Calum couldn’t even bare to look at Luke without his whole mind going fuzzy and his heart aching. He couldn’t be around Luke; he couldn’t hear his voice without wanting to break down in tears. It was silly, really, but he couldn’t stop it. Just the thought of Luke not loving him back the way he loved him hurt him so much.

 

Everything went downhill from there. Calum came in this negative spiral and he started to lock himself up in his and Michael’s room. When Michael came in he usually already was sound asleep. What Michael had never noticed was that he always had tear-stained cheeks and red puffy eyes.

And it wasn’t just because of Luke. It was because he felt like he didn’t belong in the band. He felt like he wasn’t happy even though he had received everything he had ever wanted in life; except for Luke maybe, but still. He was rich, famous, loved by thousands of girls. It couldn’t make him happy.

He felt selfish thinking that but that was the way it was. Calum didn’t enjoy performing as much anymore and he hated singing all the happy songs they had ever written. He felt like writing and singing sad songs.

 

Calum didn’t go on twitter in the week they were separated and he didn’t read their messages on his phone. He ignored the boys, not wanting them to find out the state he was in. Everything inside Calum was hurting. He didn’t get out of bed to eat, he only had to get out to drink and pee but that was about it. He stayed in bed, doing nothing. He tried to write a song about how he felt but nothing was good enough. His mum was worried about him and tried to talk to him but he just ignored her. She tried to get him to talk to a doctor or an old friend from school but Calum just wanted to stay inside his cocoon of blankets and hate himself.

The need to hurt himself got worse and he considered it at least five times a day but something inside of him told him to stay strong; for his fans, for Luke, for the boys. If anyone would ever find out about that, he’d be fucked. So he’d rather be sad and hate himself without hurting himself.

He did get another tattoo though. It was the only way he could feel a bit of pain without it being weird. Calum stayed in bed day in, day out. His mum brought him food three times a day but he only ate one meal, but only because she’d be too worried if he didn’t.

 

 

\---

 

Tears were streaming down Calum’s face when he tried to fall asleep that night. It was four in the morning, and because he had been lying in bed for six days now, he couldn’t fall asleep anymore. His thoughts were eating him alive and for the first time he thought about killing himself. What would happen if he did? What would the fans do, the boys, his parents? Would they actually care anymore? He had shut himself out for a week and no one seemed to notice. Or maybe he didn’t know they did notice because he didn’t go on social media. Anyways, Calum was at his lowest at the moment. He grabbed his phone and listened to their version of ‘I miss you’ by blink 182. It wasn’t the best decision he had ever made.

 

_Hello there._

_The angel from my nightmare._

_The shadow in the background of the morgue._

_The unsuspecting victim, of darkness in the valley,_

_We can live like Jack and Sally if you want._

_Where you can always find me._

_We’ll have Halloween on Christmas,_

_And in the night we’ll wish this never ends._

_We’ll wish this never ends._

_I miss you, I miss you._

_I miss you, I miss you._

Calum tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but it didn’t work. The tears were still streaming, and he was surprised his body could produce this many tears with how little he had been drinking lately. It was hard to hear his own voice sing the dark part of the song. He missed Luke. He missed Michael and Ashton too. He missed his old live. He felt like some sort of angel of his nightmare actually was following him around, making him feel miserable with everything he did.

 

_Where are you, and I’m so sorry._

_I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight._

_I need somebody and always._

_This sick strange darkness,_

_Comes creeping on so haunting every time._

_And as I stared I counted,_

_The webs from all the spiders._

_Like indecision to call you,_

_And hear your voice of treason._

_Will you come home and stop this pain tonight._

_Stop this pain tonight._

Hearing Luke singing this part hurt even more and Calum couldn’t stop sobbing loudly. Luckily for him, his parents never heard anything in their sleep and his room was far away from theirs. Was Luke missing him? Maybe Luke couldn’t sleep either. Maybe Luke didn’t care and maybe he hadn’t even noticed the boy had been feeling down.

 

_Don’t waste your time on me,_

_You’re already the voice inside my head._

_I miss you, I miss you._

_Don’t waste your time on me,_

_You’re already the voice inside my head._

_I miss you, I miss you._

Never had Calum felt this connected with a song; and hearing it in his and Luke’s voices made it even more painful. Calum wasn’t even sure if he wanted Luke to worry about, to think about him. He didn’t want the boy to pity him, or maybe even get sad because his friend was sad. Luke was everything to Calum but he couldn’t drag him down with him.

Fuck, he missed him so much.

He played the song again. And again. Till he was out of breath from crying. He couldn’t take it anymore. What the fuck was wrong with him. Why couldn’t he just be happy? Why couldn’t he stop thinking like this? It hurt his brain and his heart, and his whole body was trembling from the tension inside of him.

The boy got out of bed and walked down the stairs. He grabbed a bottle of whiskey, threw back his head and swallowed half the bottle. His throat hurt but he didn’t care. He searched for his shoes and keys and headed out the door. He needed to go outside. He needed space to think.

Everything was pitch-black outside and Calum loved it. He didn’t want to see the world around him; more important, he didn’t want the world to see him. Calum felt like throwing himself of a bridge but something inside told him to just keep walking. His whole mind went numb when he sat himself down on a bench in a park. He couldn’t move his limbs; all he could do was stare.

 

\---

 

“Calum! Calum Thomas Hood, wake up.”

It was his mum’s voice. She sounded extremely worried and a bit mad but Calum didn’t understand why.

It hit him when he opened his eyes. He was in the park, and though he did remember going outside last night, he didn’t remember ending up in the park and falling asleep there.

“That’s it Cal, we’re going to the doctor right now.” His mum, though she was stressed, gently grabbed his wrist and pulled him off of the bench. He willingly followed her; he didn’t have the strength to argue or struggle.

There was one girl in the waiting room, and her eyes grew big when she saw her idol. She immediately grabbed her phone and quickly started typing. Calum couldn’t care less at the moment. He was hung over and sad and tired and he didn’t want to be here.

His mum waited in the waiting room, which he was thankful for. It still wasn’t easy to talk to the doctor though. How do you explain how you feel if you don’t understand it yourself?

 

“I just felt sad; like I didn’t enjoy anything anymore. I used to love to perform and sing but I’d rather stay in bed. I have two weeks of, and I spend the last week in bed. I can’t eat and I can’t sleep and whatever I do, my thoughts just won’t leave me alone. I can’t control my thoughts. They were driving me crazy last night. All I do is thinking and crying and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing makes me happy. I don’t have the motivation to get out of bed. I’m just extremely sad all the time”

Calum and his doctor talked for a little while. Eventually the man told him he had needed therapy and medicine. The bassist was quite surprised with that. He knew something was off, but he didn’t expect it to be that bad. He thought he hadn’t felt like this long enough for therapy. Maybe it was just a phase. Maybe he just needed to get over Luke and then everything would automatically be okay again.

 

\---

 

Calum took his medicine and went back to bed. The doctor had told him many ways to occupy himself but he decided he’d be productive tomorrow. He also had to go to his therapist tomorrow, so he had to leave his room anyways. He fell asleep after an hour or two, and for the first time in weeks he was sleeping without dreaming.

 

When his door opened and let in a string of bright light, Calum simply assumed it was his mum. So he stayed where he was and waited for her to start talking.

“Hi.” It wasn’t his mum.

“Hi.” He mumbled from where he was hiding under his covers.

Luke sat down on Calum’s bed and placed his hand on where he thought Calum’s shoulder was.

It felt like Calum could feel the spot burn from Luke’s touch, even though their skins were separated by several layers of fabric.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine. Tired.” Was all Calum said.

“I know it’s not true though.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’ve been ignoring us for days. We were worried already as it was but I had a hard attack when I saw that picture yesterday.”

“What picture.”

Luke showed Calum a picture of him at the doctor. That girl probably had taken a picture of him without him even noticing it. He had been far away in thoughts, so he wasn’t even surprised she’d done that. What did surprise him was the way he looked. His hair was flat, hanging next to his head. His eyes were red and he had the biggest backs beneath them he had ever seen. He looked tired and extremely pale. Calum could feel his eyes getting wet just from looking at the pictures. It was on the girl’s Twitter, so their whole fandom had probably already seen it.

Luke’s hand started moving up and down Calum’s shoulder when the first tear rolled over his cheek. The singer gently pushed Calum to the side so he could join him in his bed. Their faces were only several inches apart and the black haired boy studied his face. He looked tired as well.

“I miss you.” Luke brokenly said as a tear escaped his eye.

“We were so worried about you. That’s why we told management to cancel the shows. We thought you could use a few days alone but you didn’t even contact us over twitter and you didn’t respond to our texts. I’ve been worried sick but they all told me to leave you alone for a while. And then I saw that picture and…” Luke started to sob and Calum protectively wrapped his arms around the taller boy.

“You look like you’re dying in that picture.”

It was soft. So soft Calum wasn’t even sure Luke actually said it.

“Maybe I am.”

 

\---

 

The boys hadn’t spoken after that. They had been lying awake for several hours and finally fallen asleep together, until Calum’s mum woke him to take his medicine.

“I have therapy.” He told Luke.

“Good.” Luke kissed Calum’s cheek, telling him without words that he wanted nothing more than for Calum to get better.

 

When Calum came back from his first session, he was mentally so extremely tired. He had told his therapist everything about himself. Not just about the last few weeks, but everything there was to know about him. He had learned things about himself he didn’t even want to know and he was exhausted. Luke was still in his house and welcomed him with a hug.

“Let’s go for a walk.” Luke said. Calum couldn’t help but think his mum had told Luke what the doctor had said to her; that they needed Calum to stay out of bed as much as possible. Even though he didn’t feel like going for a walk, he didn’t say no. a. because he couldn’t refuse the blonde anything and b. because he knew it was for the best. He needed to get better; rather sooner than later.

During their walk, Calum told everything that was going on inside his head. He left out a few details because he was afraid he’d scare his little, innocent Lukey too much. He also didn’t tell about his crush on the boy.

“I called the boys.” Luke said when they walked back to Calum’s house.

“They will be here as soon as possible.”

The bassist nodded. Maybe the three of them could cheer him up a bit.

 

\---

 

The week that followed was a lot better than the week that had just passed. It was still really hard but at least he had his band mates to distract him. They made him even tweet a few things. He didn’t want their fans to know too much but he still wanted them to know he was alright, even though he wasn’t. He had therapy three times that week which he hated but at least he had three pair of arms to comfort him when he came back. Not only Calum, but his mum too really needed the help. The teenagers helped her with the house and cooked for her. This was hard for her too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr.
> 
> Abbypd.tumblr.com


End file.
